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Becoming a Happier, Healthier Me!

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 06:04:26 +0100

So I haven't posted in a long time. I could make excuses that I was too busy or just didn't have anything to write, but that wouldn't be true. And I do my very best to never lie.

Since moving to Alberta I have changed, and I don't know if its for the better.

I use to be a pretty outgoing and happy person, well most of the time. But lately all I want to do is sit in my well worn spot on the couch watching TV with facebook open so I can see what my friends in Ontario are up to. Thats pretty much what I did all winter, well I did go to work too. It got to the point where I had to ask my doctor for ativan because going to the grocery store would give me an anxiety attack.

I have decided I can't live like this anymore. The TV was ruling my life, I have all my shows recording so I can watch them and would record extra documentaries, I also download shows on my computer to watch in my room, my days were filled with TV. I could have 3 days off work and not even leave the house once! It wasn't good. I needed to make a change. And I have, its still a work in progress but I am trying hard to be more active and get healthier.

I decided the first change would be to loose some weight. Luckly I have a very active job, so I haven’t gained a whole lot being a couch potato, but I have definitely put on some weight. So I am going to get fit, maybe even get some nice abs..we will just have to see. But right now the goal is to get out and do stuff to loose some weight and feel better about myself. So I decided to join a gym.

I haven’t been going to the gym for long, actually just joined last week. I have been about 5 times in the last week and a bit (I had a trial before joining) and so far I feel great! I think I have dropped a couple pounds, I am keeping track but just started that this past Friday and will keep up with checking my progress every Friday. I’m not only checking my weight but my measurements around my waist, arms and legs.

Going to the gym forces me to get out of the house and away from watching TV, It’s a great place for me to just focus on myself and think about things going on in my life.

One of my goals is try to get out of the house more, which going to the gym will help with. I also want to just go out for walks or try to get out with friends, maybe even make some new friends. I was always making excuses in my head as to why I couldn’t or shouldn’t go out. I still find myself doing that, but I am trying very hard to fight it. I can’t let the TV and couch win this time!! There is a whole world to explore and I do live in a very beautiful province, and only a few hours away from BC. I need to experience the beauty of these provinces while I live here and that won’t happen by sitting on the couch watching TV.

So I am working on becoming a happier, healthier Me!

A few paragraphs from my book

Sat, 30 Oct 2010 00:50:02 +0100

I have kinda started writing a book, not sure if its going anywhere but I would like to post a couple paragraphs. Let me know what you think.

Life is interesting; there are all sorts of twists and turns. Everyone sees the world differently; some people are closed to only seeing it how they believe they should see it based on their religion and/or culture. There is nothing wrong with that, everyone is entitled to their own views. But that’s how they should stay; their own. Not everyone sees things the same, so forcing beliefs on others is just not appropriate. I remember when I was little and we would have people coming to our door trying to push their beliefs on us, they seemed to think that if everyone didn’t believe the same as them then the rest would go to “hell”.

I like to think I am open minded, I tend to see things differently than many people. I was born and raised Christian. Went to Church every Sunday, did Sunday School, went to Church camps. I was forced to believe one way, I was closed off to the rest of the World. According to the religion I was raised people can’t be gay, lesbian, queer, or transgender. So here I am this confused child feeling trapped in the body of the wrong gender and being forced to believe that God did not approve of who I am and that I would basically be going to Hell. Think about that for a minute. What would that do to a child who is trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in this world?

I will tell you it was hard for me. I was very confused and torn, I pushed the real me away and forced myself to be who my family and Church wanted me to be. I put a smile on my face, was polite and always did as I was told. But alone in my room I was heartbroken and terrified. I had no one to turn to; I was alone and trapped in this mold others were creating for me. So many people like to say what is right and what is wrong, but I am the only one in my head no one else knows how I feel and who I am but me. So why was I being told that who I am, is wrong?

I kept my feelings to my self for a long time. It was hard, I felt like I was just acting my way through life. I would meet people and in order to try to fit in I would take pieces of them to create my ‘character’. I had no idea who I was and neither did anyone else, but only I knew that I was just portraying a character. Inside I was depressed, it was eating away at me. In grade 7, at only 12 years of age, I wanted to end it all. There were many times I held a bottle of pills and water just wanting to take away the pain, or held a knife wanting to cut out all the bad thoughts within me. No one should feel pain like that and feel forced to hide it. Luckly I was strong enough to put down the bottle of pills and knife and walk away. I actually owe some of my strength to carry on with life to Celine Dion. I would sit alone in my room listening to her music and just cry. I dreamt of meeting her and telling her that she is the reason I am still alive. For some reason it was only her music at the time that helped me to cry out the pain and feel like I could keep going; that things would get better. So thank you Celine Dion, I am happy to still be here and stronger than ever.

living stealth

Tue, 07 Sep 2010 19:42:20 +0100

So I am finding this whole living stealth thing hard. I am use to being out and open about who I am and what I have been through to get where I am, but now that I am living in Southern Alberta I'm not fully out. There are a few people that know but not many. I am not out at all to work, well the only person that knows is the GM because I have not had the F legally changed to M.
I sometimes feel like I am not being fully myself by hiding this huge part of my life from people I am becoming friends with. Its nice that they think I am just like any other guy, but I'm not. I think they all think I am just a regular straight guy, but little do they know I am a pansexual transguy.
I think one of the main reasons I am having a hard time being stealth is because I am use to educating people on transgender issues. I like helping people to see that we are just normal people that just want to be happy. The more people are educated then maybe it will be easier for others to come out in the future.

Living two lives...

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 21:41:49 +0100

I started going to baby name websites to find names that I liked. I tried out Caidan to start and it was ok, but decided after a month or so that it just wasn't right for me. It was still only a few friends that were referring to me as male, so changing to a different name wasn't a big deal.

I decided to try out Kristopher, but just go by Kris. It is actually a short form of my birth name (no I will not tell you my birth name). I figured it might be easier on my family when I come out if its close to my birth name, but it was hard on me. I had problems with some people not respecting that I only wanted to be called Kris and instead I would get referred to by my birth name. It was very hard on me. I was dealing with so much internally and just didn't know how to handle it all.

I started having breakdowns at work when I would get referred to by my full birth name, my co-workers didn't even know at this point that I was transgender. I just wanted them to call me Kris and leave it at that. But they thought it was fun to bug me by using my full birth name. It was not fun for me. I was working at a call center at the time and had enough to deal with with the customers, the added stress from my co-worker just pushed me over the edge. I had a couple break downs at work and would have to try to hide my face while I was hyperventilating and crying, and try to pull myself together before the next call came in.

Eventually I told the co-worker that sat next to me. He was a cool guy that I felt I could trust and he could see that it was affecting me very badly. He was really cool with it and did would he could to stop people from using my full name and would help to hide me when I was having a break down. I really appreciated it. Eventually it got to the point where I needed to tell others though, I couldn't deal with living a duel life anymore.

I emailed a few of my co-workers to tell them why I could not be referred to by my birth name and explained to them how it was affecting me. They actually were very understanding and started referring to me only as Kris. I started opening up more about being trans and they even gave me tips on what guys do and don't do, since I worked with mostly guys. It was really awesome, they made me feel just like one of the guys.

I was still living a duel life though, some of my friends and family didn't know I was transgender and starting to transition. My body started shutting down. I had no energy at all, getting up to get a glass of water wore me out. I would make myself something to eat and by the time I finished getting it ready I was passing out and barely managed to eat a bite. This went on for about a month. Doctors did all sorts of tests and couldn't find any reason why I had no energy and could only sleep. I was about to be diagnosed with chronic fatigue, when the doctor decided to try anti-depressants.

I was put on 20mg of Paxil and only told that it might make me a little more thirsty than normal. The first night I took them I woke up and felt like I was being hit by waves, I couldn't stop shaking and just felt horrible. Slowly the side effects faded and I started getting energy again and a desire to leave the apartment. But deep inside I still knew something wasn't right. I needed to stop living this duel life before it killed me.

It was time to tell my parents...

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Terri Clark!

Sat, 26 Jun 2010 23:57:38 +0100

Ok, so I love Terri Clarks music. I think she is amazing and would like to share one of her songs with everyone! Check it out.

Discovering I am transgender

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 21:41:34 +0100

Coming to terms with being trans was very difficult for me. I first knew I liked girls, so I figured I was a lesbian and thats what I told people. It felt right for a while then I started feeling like that just wasn't it. I gradually stated dressing more like a guy and cut my hair to match my masculine look, that started feeling more right. But I still didn't know I was guy trapped in a girls body.

I started living a very androgynous life and would get "Sired" and "Ma'amed" all the time. I noticed I liked being "Sired" a lot more. I was confusing a lot of people though because I had a very feminine voice, but looked like a guy. So I would get "Sired" then I would talk and then the person would apologize and be like "I am so sorry Ma'am!" I hated it!!

I started doing more internal searching to find out who I am, and started discovering that I really felt like I should have been born in a male body. This was really hard to deal with. I didn't know how I would be able to transition! I knew my family wouldn't understand and how do I tell my friends? What about jobs? Was I going to be judged and always feeling like I am hiding something? I had so many questions and fears about transitioning that I just kept trying to tell myself that I was happy being an androgynous person. So I buried my feelings of wanting to be fully seen as a guy.

Burying my feelings only worked for so long, they kept returning and each time were stronger and stronger. But I was still too scared. My depression and anxiety where getting really bad. There would be days where I couldn't leave the apartment or some days even my bed. I didn't know who to turn to. I watched a lot of guys on youtube and what a lot of them said made total sense to me, it was like they were in my head! Then I met one of my great friends, and he was trans! My first trans friend, I was able to talk to him about what was going on and feel like i was not alone. I was still too scared to start transitioning but after a while started binding and LOVED having a flat chest, then I had a few friends start referring to me as male and with male names. It felt right, I was started to be happy.

But now, how do I tell everyone I know that I am going to transition? Am I strong enough to do it? I still had tons of unanswered questions..

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Welcome!

Thu, 17 Jun 2010 21:26:24 +0100

Hello!
I would like to welcome you to my website. I will be posting my story on here, as well as additional resources. Stay tuned for more information!
Thanks
Adam