I started going to baby name websites to find names that I liked. I tried out Caidan to start and it was ok, but decided after a month or so that it just wasn't right for me. It was still only a few friends that were referring to me as male, so changing to a different name wasn't a big deal. 

I decided to try out Kristopher, but just go by Kris. It is actually a short form of my birth name (no I will not tell you my birth name). I figured it might be easier on my family when I come out if its close to my birth name, but it was hard on me. I had problems with some people not respecting that I only wanted to be called Kris and instead I would get referred to by my birth name. It was very hard on me. I was dealing with so much internally and just didn't know how to handle it all. 

I started having breakdowns at work when I would get referred to by my full birth name, my co-workers didn't even know at this point that I was transgender. I just wanted them to call me Kris and leave it at that. But they thought it was fun to bug me by using my full birth name. It was not fun for me. I was working at a call center at the time and had enough to deal with with the customers, the added stress from my co-worker just pushed me over the edge. I had a couple break downs at work and would have to try to hide my face while I was hyperventilating and crying, and try to pull myself together before the next call came in. 

Eventually I told the co-worker that sat next to me. He was a cool guy that I felt I could trust and he could see that it was affecting me very badly. He was really cool with it and did would he could to stop people from using my full name and would help to hide me when I was having a break down. I really appreciated it. Eventually it got to the point where I needed to tell others though, I couldn't deal with living a duel life anymore. 

I emailed a few of my co-workers to tell them why I could not be referred to by my birth name and explained to them how it was affecting me. They actually were very understanding and started referring to me only as Kris. I started opening up more about being trans and they even gave me tips on what guys do and don't do, since I worked with mostly guys. It was really awesome, they made me feel just like one of the guys. 

I was still living a duel life though, some of my friends and family didn't know I was transgender and starting to transition. My body started shutting down. I had no energy at all, getting up to get a glass of water wore me out. I would make myself something to eat and by the time I finished getting it ready I was passing out and barely managed to eat a bite. This went on for about a month. Doctors did all sorts of tests and couldn't find any reason why I had no energy and could only sleep. I was about to be diagnosed with chronic fatigue, when the doctor decided to try anti-depressants. 

I was put on 20mg of Paxil and only told that it might make me a little more thirsty than normal. The first night I took them I woke up and felt like I was being hit by waves, I couldn't stop shaking and just felt horrible. Slowly the side effects faded and I started getting energy again and a desire to leave the apartment. But deep inside I still knew something wasn't right. I needed to stop living this duel life before it killed me.

It was time to tell my parents...